ANGER: a fire that devours body, soul…

Anger can be likened to a bush set on fire during harmattan season. For anyone who had witnessed this scenario, one can conveniently say that fire has no respect for any tree during this period. It consumes without leaving anything behind. Anger is a wild fire that consumes its victim mercilessly. That was probably why Maya Angelo, a writer said, “…but anger is like fire, it burns all clean.” Anger has no respect for gender, religion, creed, status or age.

            For instance, what on earth could make a man who occupies an exalted position which had in turn made him a cynosure of all eyes to throw all caution into the wind and put on the garment of temporary insanity all because of a minor issue which culminated into him being angry? Horace, a Roman poet said “Anger is a momentary madness, so control your passion or it will control you.”

            Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage," Dr Charles Spielberger. In his definition of anger, Dr. Kayode Joshua of Redeemer's Maternity said, “Anger is a latent emotion of varying intensity in all animals including man. Dr. Raymond Lloyd Richmond believes anger is a fact of life. “Our world is filled with violence, hatred, war, and aggression. Psychologically, many theories of human development focus on the infant's struggle with anger and frustration and the primitive fantasies of aggression, guilt, and reparation that result from these feelings. In essence, we grow up with anger right from the beginning of life.”

If it has been established that we grew up with anger from an early age, it then means there is a need for an urgent attention to uproot the bad seed which was planted in us at a tender age that we had become accustomed to. It has become so bad that some of us even see anger as a way of life. For those who are conversant with the Bible, a misappropriate use of the scripture, 'be angry and sin not' has become an excuse for us to be angry but is it actually 100% correct to be angry and not sin? Irrespective of the fact that some believe we grew up with anger or that the situations around arouse anger in us, there is a need to deal with this strange growth that is consuming every virtue in us.

What leads to anger?

According to Pastor Tope Oduseso of CTI Micro finance bank, Lagos, “Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (such as a co-worker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.”

Mild forms of human anger may include displeasure, irritation or dislike. When we react to frustration, criticism or a threat, we may become angry - and usually this is a healthy response. Anger may be a secondary response to feeling sad, lonely or frightened.

            A thousand and one things can lead to anger. For example, when another car suddenly cuts in front of your car on the road, adrenaline pumps into your bloodstream. Your heart rate jumps. Your blood pressure surges. These things however, are just immediate fight-or-flight physiological responses to a perceived threat. Then, in a split second, as a psychological reaction to those immediate physiological responses, indignation and animosity toward the other driver overrun your mind.  After these feelings erupt, you fall into the desire for revenge. You honk your horn. You give a dirty look. You scream a curse. And there you have it: anger.

            For some of us, anything can lead to anger; from a cup that is not well placed, to a bed not well laid, to a salary not paid on time, to people who don't give us due respect that we feel should accrue to us. The list is endless. Dr (Mrs.) Jumoke Odunsi, MD, Wellcare Home Medicals, Lagos, disclosed that we sometimes become angry when we expect much from others, especially our subordinates.

            It should however be noted that there are normal and abnormal responses to anger. Dr. Kayode Joshua disclosed that anger triggers fight or flight responses; the brain shunts away blood from the gut to the muscles in preparation for physical action to be taken either to fight or to flight. At these state, responses in the body such as increased heart rate, high blood pressure, skin perspiration etc start. “Anger has overpowered him, and driven him to a revenge which was rather a stupid one, I must acknowledge, but anger makes us all stupid.” Johanna Spyri, Swiss writer.

Despite our justification of getting angry which is sometimes unnecessary, anger has some health implications which are not positive.

Health problems of anger 

Anger is a powerful emotion. However, if not handled appropriately, may have destructive results. Uncontrolled anger can lead to arguments, physical fights, physical abuse, assault and self-harm.

            The constant flood of stress chemicals and associated metabolic changes that accompany recurrent unmanaged anger can eventually cause harm to many different systems of the body. Some of the short and long-term health problems that have been linked to unmanaged anger include:

·           Headache

·           Digestion problems, such as       abdominal pain

·           Insomnia

·           Increased anxiety

·           Depression

·           High blood pressure

·           Skin problems, such as                 eczema

·           Heart attack

·           Stroke

·           Death

Studies have shown that survivor of heart attack who gets angry easily are twice at risk of having another heart attack.

            It is worthy of note to state clearly that repressed or bottled anger and anger explosion is dangerous to our health; Anger repression or bottled anger often turns to depression, anxiety and murder plans and eventually murder may be committed. Some even vent their bottled anger on innocent ones like children. Anger explosions lead to physical abuse, isolation, suicide or murder.

Anger and relationships

According to Dr. (Mrs.) Odunsi, if not well managed, anger can create unnecessary fear in the hearts of your sub-ordinates and may even strain your work relationship as they see you as madam know all who becomes touchy at any mistake. 

            Furthermore, if we are always quick tempered, it keeps us at a distance as many do not want to come near us because of our disposition.

            Freedom is curtailed as the other party does not know what to expect from the aggrieved person.

According to Pastor Oduseso, when anger becomes a full-blown rage, our judgment and thinking can become impaired and we are more likely to do and say unreasonable and irrational things.

            Anger acts like a poison in our own heart that ultimately degrades the quality of our lives as much as it hurts the life of another person. “An angry man is always a stupid man.”Chinua Achebe, Nigerian novelist. So, even though anger may be “natural”that is, a commonly occurringsocial reaction to hurt and insult, yet being natural doesn't make it good for us. Sure, “natural” foods are commonly advertised as being healthy and good for us. Poisons, for example, are also natural, and poisons, by definition, are deadly. Dr. Raymond

How to manage anger

Pastor Oduseso believes it is not necessarily a sin to be angry. Certainly God does not expect us to rejoice when people do wrong. We must be angry at sin. “God judgeth the righteous, and God is angry with the wicked every day” (Psalm 7:11). Jesus also was angry when he overturned the moneychangers' tables as he cleansed the temple (Mark 11:15-17). However, when we are angry, we want to make sure that our anger does not venture into sin because many sins committed in the wake of anger are like a hot water geyser. They build up and spew out without any control.

            A Canadian writer, Laurence J. Peter said, “Speak when you are angryand you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.” This is telling us to always be quiet anytime we are angry because it helps to control our tongues and not utter words that we'll regret when the anger has subsided. “A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife” (Proverbs 15:18).

            Learn to have a healthy response to feelings of hurt and insult. Follow the hurt back into its roots; go into the past to all those times and circumstances when you felt the same way and uproot it immediately because, failure to recognize old insults only makes the current insult seem far larger than it really is.

            Stay away from revenge and learn to forgive easily. Revenge, is what we most commonly experience in our unconscious fantasies when we feel irritated and frustrated.

            Dr. kayode said, when you feel out of control, walk away from the situation till you cool down. However, Pastor Oduseso said, when provoked, think before you become angry. Ask yourself a few simple questions. Is this situation worth it? Am I angry because of this situation, or am I angry because something bad in another part of my life is affecting my judgment? Is my getting angry going to affect people in a negative way and hinder good relationships?

            Learn about techniques of conflict resolution; see a counselor or psychologist if you still feel angry about past events. Take regular exercise because it has been discovered that people who are stressed are more likely to experience anger. Numerous worldwide studies have documented that regular exercise can improve mood and reduce stress levels. 

            When we do get angry, we must control ourselves. No problems have ever been solved by losing control. Loss of control builds problems.

            We must resolve our anger within the same day it is provoked. A sore left untreated will fester and fester until it becomes infected; it can then cause major complications with serious consequences. We only hurt ourselves when we let anger foster within us. Pastor Oduseso. Ephesians 4:26 says, “…let not the sun go down upon your wrath.”

Above all, ask God for help.

This write up was published in the November 2011 edition of Redemption Light Magazine, the official publication of the Redeemed Christian Church of God

WANNA BE LIKE ME?

Have you ever wondered why so many people want to be like the Jones' family? When we become contemptible in our own eyes and all we desire is to be like our bunky or roommate, we need to know that something is wrong somewhere? Has it ever crossed our minds that we are not as beautiful as our friend? As if that is not enough, all some of us ever want in life is to have the soft hair and round face that our friend or colleague has? I think the problem is that we just want to be like the lady next door. Could it mean you wanna be like him/her? If the answer is a sincere yes, then, you are probably battling with envy.

In my little search on this topic, I discovered that envy can sometimes be very subtle but its negative effect can be very grave on its carrier. If one is envious of another person's achievement, physique or possessions, the fellow will soon discover that consciously or unconsciously, one will begin to detest that fellow. If we are not careful, before we know it, we'll realize that we are always criticizing or condemning that fellow, then, we need to be careful because our resentment could probably be as a result of being envious of what our friend, boss, colleague, neighbour etc has.

Envy springs up from lack of contentment. Anytime we want to have what another person has and we are resentful, it means we are envious. Anytime we dream of becoming like another person with a little resentment or when we are suddenly irritated by the success of others, then, we need to check ourselves, it may be we are probably envious of that fellow's achievement.

Gore Vidal, a novelist said, “Whenever a friend succeeds, a little something in me dies.” If this applies to us, we are really envious and we need a change of attitude. Anytime we discover (if we are sensitive) that we do not genuinely rejoice with our friends or neighbours when they get new cars, phones, iPad etc then we can be rest assured that we have a problem with envy. Most of the time, we desire that we possess what our friends or close associates have. Sometimes, it can be so terrible that we desire what the man on the street has even when we do not know the person's source!

It was George Bernard Shaw, an Irish playwright who said, “The man with toothache thinks everyone is happy whose teeth are sound.” Oh life! Can you imagine, a man with toothache looks at others flashing their teeth and believes all is well with them; ironically, they have so many things they are battling with which when they tell the man with a tooth ache, he will ask for more tooth ache rather than the situation others whom he is envious of find themselves in.

Anytime we discover that we are aggrieved or indignant when we lack another's (Perceived) superior quality, achievement or possession and we either desires it or wishes that the other person lacked it, then we have a problem with envy which must be dealt with quickly. On the other hand, envy can also be derived from a sense of low self-esteem. For example, those results from an upward social comparison threatening a person's self image: another person has something that the envier considers to be important to have. If the other person is perceived to be similar to the envier, the aroused envy will be particularly intense, because it signals to the envier that it just as well could have been he or she who had the desired object.

Although some of us take envy lightly, it's a terrible thing. Solomon said, “A sound heart is the life of the flesh: but envy the rottenness of the bones.” Prov 14:30 while Job said, “envy slayeth the silly one” Job 5:2. Envy makes our bones rot and portrays us as silly people. I believe you don't want your bones to rot. However, in order to avoid that, cry to God for help, read good books on how people in your shoes have dealt with this problem. If possible, see a counsellor and stay free from envy, it is possible.

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

Effective communication occurs only if the receiver understands the exact information or idea that the sender intended to transmit

Do you know that good plans can fail as a result of ineffective communication? For example, many of the problems that occur in an organization are either the direct result of people failing to communicate and/or processes, which leads to confusion and can cause good plans to fail

BARRIERS TO EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

Nothing is so simple that it cannot be misunderstood. — Freeman Teague, Jr.

Anything that prevents understanding of the message is a barrier to communication. Many physical and psychological barriers exist:

o    Culture, background, and bias — Our culture, background, and bias can affect our communication. E g, a man from the southern goes to the western to visit and he gets there and stands instead of prostrating. This may interfere with the communication process.

o    Noise — Equipment or environmental noise impedes clear communication. The sender and the receiver must both be able to concentrate on the messages being sent to each other.

o    Ourselves — Focusing on ourselves, rather than the other person can lead to confusion and conflict. The “Me Generation” is out when it comes to effective communication. Some of the factors that cause this are defensiveness (we feel someone is attacking us), superiority (we feel we know more that the other), and ego (we feel we are the center of the activity).

o    Perception — If we feel the person is talking too fast, not fluently, does not articulate clearly, etc., we may dismiss the person. Also our preconceived attitudes affect our ability to listen. We listen uncritically to persons of high status and dismiss those of low status.

o    Message — Distractions happen when we focus on the facts rather than the idea. Our educational institutions reinforce this with tests and questions. Semantic distractions occur when a word is used differently than you prefer. For example, the word chairman instead of chairperson, may cause you to focus on the word and not the message.

o    Environmental — Bright lights, an attractive person, unusual sights, or any other stimulus provides a potential distraction. You want to propose to a lady now, you now took her to a place that smells; there will be distraction.

o    Smothering — (overpower, oppress) We take it for granted that the impulse to send useful information is automatic. Not true! Too often we believe that certain information has no value to others or they are already aware of the facts.

o    Stress — (tired, anxiety, trauma, fatigue, weary, burdened) People do not see things the same way when under stress. Eg, someone just her hubby or failed an examination you say look at that beautiful dress.What we see and believe at a given moment is influenced by our psychological frames of references — our beliefs, values, knowledge, experiences, and goals.

HOW TO ENHANCE EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

Avoid ambiguity --As a manager/missionary (concerned with getting things done) your view of words should be pragmatic (practical, realistic, no-nonsense) rather than philosophical. Thus, words mean not what the dictionary says they do but rather what the speaker intended.

Be consistent

 Speak comfortable words! — William Shakespeare

o    When speaking or trying to explain something, ask the listeners if they are following you.

o    Ensure the receiver has a chance to comment or ask questions.

o    Try to put yourself in the other person's shoes — consider the feelings of the receiver.

o    Be clear about what you say.

o    Look at the receiver.

o    Make sure your words match your tone and body language (nonverbal behaviours).

o    Vary your tone and pace.

o    Do not be vague, but on the other hand, do not complicate what you are saying with too much detail.

o    Do not ignore signs of confusion.

Paul Ekman ---In the mid 1960s, Paul Ekman studied emotions and discovered six facial expressions that almost everyone recognizes world-wide: happiness, sadness, anger, fear, disgust, and surprise.

Eye contact: This helps to regulate the flow of communication. It signals interest in others and increases the speaker's credibility. People who make eye contact open the flow of communication and convey interest, concern, warmth, and credibility.

o    Facial Expressions: Smiling is a powerful cue that transmits happiness, friendliness, warmth, and liking. So, if you smile frequently you will be perceived as more likable, friendly, warm and approachable. Smiling is often contagious and people will react favourably. They will be more comfortable around you and will want to listen more.

o    Gestures: If you fail to gesture while speaking you may be perceived as boring and stiff. A lively speaking style captures the listener's attention, makes the conversation more interesting, and facilitates understanding.

o    Posture and body orientation: You communicate numerous messages by the way you talk and move. Standing erect and leaning forward communicates to listeners that you are approachable, receptive and friendly. Interpersonal closeness results when you and the listener face each other. Speaking with your back turned or looking at the floor or ceiling should be avoided as it communicates disinterest.

o    Proximity: have a comfortable distance for interaction with others. You should look for signals of discomfort caused by invading the other person's space. Some of these are: rocking, leg swinging, tapping, and gaze aversion.

o    Vocal: Speaking can signal nonverbal communication when you include such vocal elements as: tone, pitch, rhythm, timbre, loudness, and inflection. For maximum teaching effectiveness, learn to vary these six elements of your voice. One of the major criticisms of many speakers is that they speak in a monotone voice. Listeners perceive this type of speaker as boring and dull.

GIVE A SMILE

A smile, which ought to be one of the most familiar expressions on our faces, is ironically one of the scarce commodities around. One often wonders why this is so? On the other hand, there is a feeling that, it is because we do not know the importance of a smile; that is why, some of us go around as if we are the only ones carrying the burdens of the whole world.

Theodore Roosevelt became the President of United States of America when the country was going through a terrible economic downturn popularly called “Great Depression.” Despite this uncalled for event, Roosevelt’s cheerful manner and broad smile inspired hope as millions of people tuned in to hear his reassuring voice on a radio broadcast called fireside chats. That simply is the work of a smile for you. It inspires hope, even in the midst of a seemingly hopeless situation. Remember that you are young with so many pleasant and unpleasant situations before you; if there is one thing you need to help you carry on, in order to arrive safely at your destination, it is hope, and a smile will help you in that area too.

I don’t know if you have ever given a thought to why, the Mona Lisa, painted by Italian artist, Leonardo da Vinci has attracted so much attention. According to research, the woman’s mysterious smile has made the painting one of the most famous pieces of art in the world. See how Leonardo has blurred the edges of her mouth to give her the hint of a smile. This mysterious smile has fascinated people for centuries. She seems almost alive. That is another major secret of a smile, it gives life. When you meet someone and the first expression on his/her face is a warm smile, then you know there is life in the person. At least, there is something in that fellow that keeps him/her going despite all the demands around. Can a dead man smile? So while you are in this body of clay, give a smile to let all know that you have life in you.

Do you know that in Social Communication, anyone who does not smile, even if it is a child, is believed to have a problem? Do you have one? If your answer is No, then put on a smile. Many of us carry needless weights that drive even the slightest smile away from our mouths. You know what, “There is no problem, except you see it as one.” Surprised? That was what God told me some years ago which I have found out to be very true.

The Duke of Venice, in William Shakespeare’s book, Othello, Act 1, Scene 3, said,

“The robb'd that smiles, steals something from the thief.” Smile is an antidote for sorrow, loss, pain and even anger. So, when someone wants to steal your joy, instead of being annoyed, you can give a smile; immediately that is done, you have taken away the battle from your opponent and won because you smiled. When you lose something you think is precious to you, a smile will help you to see beyond what is lost; at least, you are still alive and there is every tendency that you can get something better. So, give a smile and disarm your enemy.

Have you ever wondered why some people don’t smile? Well, it is probably because, some of us still have grudges neatly tucked in our hearts. For some of us, it is our inability to forgive coupled with bitterness; while some are very good at keeping unnecessary accounts of wrongs. As long as we have one or all of the above, a genuine smile becomes very difficult.

For those who are impious  or vindictive, King Solomon said, “a wicked man hardneth his face” why don’t you let go and allow God to fight for you instead of always mapping out strategies of how you will pull someone down or retaliate for the ill done to your grandfather!

Well, for those of us who are young, and are full of life, we must always wear a genuine smile, in order to keep high blood pressure and anxiety away from us; let us always give a smile. Remember, only a joyful heart makes a cheerful face… (Prov. 15:13; NASV). Now, if Jesus is in your heart, then, there is joy there, so, give a smile.